Northwestern University Athletics
ON THE RECORD...With Chris Jeske
9/8/2009 12:00:00 AM | Football
Sept. 8, 2009
He arrived at Northwestern in 2005 as the most-heralded member of his recruiting class, as a linebacker so skilled that his high school coach had dared compare him to both former Bear Dick Butkus and former Packer Ray Nitschke. But a herniated disc robbed him of his future, doomed him to frustration and endless years of rehabilitation, and finally, less than a month ago, forced him to abandon his sport and take up his future as a 'Cat grad assistant. Chris Jeske discusses his decision and its fallout with NUsports.com's special contributor Skip Myslenski in a piece that originally appeared in the Sept. 5, 2009, edition of The Den.
ON THE RECORD...With Chris Jeske
It was very hard. I didn't want to make (the decision). I didn't want to be in that position. But it was something I had to do.
Stubborn is a word that you could use (about him). There are very few things in my life that I wanted more than to play with especially the seniors that are leaving now and that left last year. I wanted to play on the same field and gain that camaraderie with them.
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That's something you can't duplicate, you can't simulate. You can't make the types of feelings and the types of relationships you have with someone out on the football field winning a big game, going through the ups-and-downs of battle within the time of a football game. That's what I really wanted to do, be out on the field with those guys. That's what I really wanted.
It's just that thrill, the thrill of being out there and making a play. You make a play and your friends come around and they're like, "Oh, man, you did it." Just being able to contribute. I miss that.
(The decision) was something I did on my own.
I discussed it with my dad a little bit. He said, "You know what's best for you." He was going to support me either way.
Everyone's been great. My father, my family. And Northwestern, the coaching staff, Coach (Pat) Fitz(gerald), my position coach, the training staff have all been helpful. They've always had my interest (at heart). I can't thank them enough for that.
My body wasn't at the level that I personally wanted it to be at to perform, to play how I wanted to.
I could have made it through at 50 percent. But that's not my personal expectation and those aren't the standards this team has set. I respect that. I just didn't want to be dragging down the standard of what we need to excel here.
The thought of making it through camp and gaining responsibilities and not being at the best level I could be at and letting down my teammates if something were to happen and my body gave out completely. I didn't want those responsibilities I would have fought hard to acquire. Then I didn't want to take away reps from other kids who deserved those reps.
Fifth grade. Fifth grade is when I started. Back in the Danville Junior Football League. I was in Danville, Indiana with Coach Hunter.
It's hard. I try not to think about it. I try not to think about, "Oh, man. I want to be out there." I try to live through the other guys out on the field, try to see them get better, try to see them achieve their goals.
Something that I kind of struggle with (is) not being able to achieve the goals I had set for myself coming into this program athletically. Yeah, it's hard.
It's something I can overcome. One, because you have to. Two, I'm not going to get stuck, it's not going to dictate who I am and what my life is going to be about.
I'm glad that I'm here. I'm glad I'm able to give back what I can (as an assistant). I wanted to be able to give back out on the football field athletically. But that was something that wasn't in store for me.
It's helping me become a better person. I see more. I'm not competing for a position, so I can actually help more, help these guys develop. You're taking more time, you're watching them more closely. I'm not saying I didn't help them before. But this way you can spend more time helping guys develop to achieve their goals and to achieve the team's goals.
Sometimes I have to take a few steps back because I still want to play, I still want to be out there, and sometimes I feel I can. But you're not actually hitting anyone, you're not running hundreds of yards every practice.
I still deal with stuff (pain) daily. If I'd just be normal, as in not trying to push my body, I'm OK. I still have some things that bother me, but I'm fine. If I ramped it up and tried to play, I wouldn't be.
There's no animosity towards anything. It's not that I have hatred toward anything or anyone. It's not healthy to get like that. It's just, this is what happened. It's just frustrating.
It's not fun.
I don't know. I haven't been clinically diagnosed. But, yeah, it's hard. But I'm still positive. I still have a lot of things going for me. It's not like I can't walk or anything. I'm here. I'm still here. I'm still with these guys. I'm still having a great time. I went through camp. I know a lot of people don't like Camp Kenosha. I had a great time out there. I'm still going to be here for the wins.
As far as depressed, I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I would say I'm excited more than anything because I'm still with this group.
It's the beginning. The end of the chapter is the day I die.
It's still my life. I'm still going to live it to the fullest.
Football is a major part of my life. It got me here. It got me a great education. It got me great friendships. If I didn't play football, I don't know how successful I would have been in the other parts of my life.
As far as moving on, football will always be part of my life. I'm not closing any doors. I'm going to live the way I want and I'm going to be where I'm needed.
No. I've learned through the whole process of coming here and being injured that you can't live with regrets. Before in my life I had regrets. But I know personally I tried my hardest to get back on the field.
I can walk away knowing I tried my hardest. So I don't have any regrets.
